| enjoy your worries, you may never have them again. |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|11:35 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the books | ] |
1.) I think that our relationship will always be in-explainable.
2.) I got a job interview at H&M for tuesday. I'm beyond excited. AH!
3.) It's weird that I'm up this early right now.
4.) This thursday I'm going to be in some kind of open mic night at rutgers. And on the 18th I'm going to be preforming in two christmas themed shows! One at my mom's work and one at middlesex. Things are looking up.
5.) This means that I should probably finish some songs. |
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| Noddin' my head like yeah, movin' my hips like yeahhhh. |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|03:58 pm] |
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Whenever I'm driving in my car I go through every singly radio station furiously over and over again hoping to hear kesha, miley cyrus, or taylor swift. 90.3 is always my default and they play rockin' music, but usually if I don't hear any of these artists by the time I get to my destination I'm pissed. If I do hear any of these songs it's amazing how immensly happy it makes me and how much of a freak I look like dancing around in my car. What has happened to me? |
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| you build me up, you break me down. |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|05:51 pm] |
Ugh. I really can't take my life anymore. I have no idea what the epidemic is, but almost every guy who isn't gay that I come in contact with pretty much sees me as a sex object. They never want anything serious with me, but they always make it more then clear that they want to hook up with me. Sometimes I don't have a problem with hooking up. There was a short time period when I did enjoy it, but after guys either just blatantly stop talking to me after wards or tell me that they "don't feel that way about me, but would still want to do things" after flirting with me for an extended period and making it seem like something serious is going to happen- well, it kind of just disgusts me now. No matter what I always feel like trying again, but now that feeling has even faded. It's not only that I don't want to try anymore, it's that I'm scared to because now I just automatically expect failure. I guess there is something good that's coming out of this though; it's really helping me to become a strong woman. It's not that I haven't has respect for myself or my body in the past, but now I don't think I'm going to be afraid to tell a guy to fuck off when this sort of thing happens. Like I said in my previous entry I'm always craving some kind of male attention and sort of thought that when something comes my way that I shouldn't turn it down. You know, the whole "beggers can't be choosers" thing. However, I'm making a firm decision now that I'm not going to do anything with anyone unless they truly respect me and my body. I guess I should have decided this a while ago, but you know, I'm a teenager. I have hormones.
Anyway, I have some other good things going on right now. I got a bunch of papers back in english today and every single one of them had an A on it. This made me pretty happy. I'm going to be singing Oh Holy Night for this christmas themed show at school on December 18th. All the members of the BSP (back stage players)club will be in it doing different scenes and songs. It should be a good time and YOU should come. I bought all of these incense the other day which I love and I'm probably going to start meditation again. Mike, Dan, and I randomly made this funny video. It shows how insane I am and it might be up on youtube soon, oh lordy. My mom is making homemade baked macaroni and cheese. Life is good in this aspect. That's all. |
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| a great big pile of leaves. |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|12:20 pm] |
I really need to figure out why I crave that "certain kind" of male attention all the time. Because I think it might be kind of a problem. I've had serious thoughts about only concentrating on girls for a while and I feel like if I officially declared myself as a lesbian then more girls would come into my life because right now, and for the past god knows how long, no girls have been in my life. It's a total bummer. This might be pathetic, but at this point I almost feel like I'm being lazy with it. I've really tried in the past to get involved with girls and nothing ever happens so, now I just figure that it's a lot easier to get involved with guys, but it's not like anything ever works out with them either. I really feel like I can't win. For example, things with you didn't/aren't going to work out. Why am I not surprised? Apparently, you still have pretty strong feelings for some other girl and uh, you might be joining the military? In a way I haven't been too effected by this though. I did like you a lot, but after getting to know you better and seeing certain personality traits that you have it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Right off that bat it was kind of obvious that you didn't care if something serious happened between us or not and I was the one to put in all the effort to try to talk to you and hang out with you, as usual. I just really can't deal with that kind of shit anymore. I'm so sick and tired of always being the one to try to do everything to make things work. And just to think I used to do that without ever questioning it. I guess it's just my nature and it's very weird to realize and see myself change as a person right before my eyes. A lot of the time I don't like it when these changes happen and I think it's because I hate knowing that I'm becoming jaded.
Anyway, the point is that I feel like I can't stand on my own. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I hate feeling "alone" even though thats what I feel a majority of the time anyway. I know that I'm only eighteen and I have pleanty of time to get into a really solid relationship, but the bottom line is that I've been completely rejected in the past year and I can't figure out why. I would love to have a relationship, but I know that it's not the most important thing, I would just like to not be rejected and have something actually work out for once.
I was going to bable on more about a few other guys who randomly popped up into my life recently, but now I don't really feel like it. I wanted to end this entry on a nice note by talking about how I had a nice thanksgiving and how I really like my family, and not be all whiney. So yeah, I had a nice thanksgiving. I actually used to hate going to family gatherings becuase I felt like it was really awkward, but now I like them. My little cousin kept asking me to play songs for her on the guitar and the food was amazing. I wish it could be thanksgiving everyday. I hope that everyone else had a nice thanksgiving as well. |
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